danism

I've switched to a NEW and IMPROVED blog: www.taoofdan.com

2006-01-01T19:47:00.000-05:00

Check it out here.

If you have me linked please change it to:

http://taoofdan.com

If you murder your identical twin, should you be convicted for homicide or suicide?

2006-01-01T19:42:00.000-05:00

On that same token, if you have sex with your identical twin, would that be considered incest or mastubation.

Fairy Tale vs Religion

2005-12-30T21:17:00.000-05:00

I don't know what's harder to believe.

The existence of Santa Claus or that Jesus's heart pumps Welch's Grape Juice through his body.

Zoophilia vs. Bestiality

2005-12-30T12:02:00.000-05:00

DEFENSE LAWYER
Your honor, my client Mr. Martindale is being charged by the State of Kansas on the charges of bestiality. He is hurt and offended by these slanderous allegations.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Give me a break, your honor! He fucked a pig at a petting zoo!

JUDGE
Order! Order in the court! If the D.A. continues to use that sort of language in my court, he will be held in contempt of court. Now sit down and let the Defense proceed.

DEFENSE LAWYER
Thank you, your honor. I would like to read two definitions from the Oxford English Dictionary to the court.

JUDGE
Proceed.

DEFENSE LAWYER
The first word is: bes·ti·al·it·y (n) - The crime of engaging in sexual relations with an animal. The second word is: zo·o·phil·i·a (n) - Attraction to or affinity for an animal. Unfortunately, society has demonized the word "zoophilia" and have made it synonomous with "bestiality". Zoophiles are simply animal lovers. Is that a crime? If homosexuals are allowed to marry, shouldn't zoosexuals be allowed to love? They are not merely driven by carnal desires. They...

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Your honor, how can you just sit there and listen to this bullshit! The defendant is a sick, perverted individual and needs to be behind bars!

JUDGE
Let this be my final warning to the Prosecutor. Baliff, if the D.A. has another outbreak, please remove him from this court. The Defense Attorney may finish.

DEFENSE LAWYER
Thank you, your honor. Members of the jury, how can we convict an animal lover for loving an animal. Capt. Kangaroo loved children. Was he a pedophile? How about Bozo the Clown...Mr. Rogers...Mr. Wizard...Steve from Blue's Clues...hell, the entire cast from Sesame Street? Let's ignite an inquisition of all the people who have ever loved children. I thought McCarthyism died in the 50s, but I guess I was wrong. The D.A. callously and maliciously stated that Mr.Martindale "fucked a pig". I disagree. If Mr. Martindale did in fact have sexual relations with Sally, he would have never "fucked" her. Mr. Martindale would have "made love" to her. Sally just happens to be a pig. What he did was only a crime of the heart not the law. The defense rest, you honor.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
This is horseshit! Your honor...

JUDGE
Baliff, remove the D.A.! I find the defendant, not guilty.Case dismissed.

Potatoes are Multi-Faceted

2005-12-27T13:12:00.000-05:00

This "morning" , I ordered my usual breakfast at Hebrew National Deli. Two eggs sunny-side up, home-fried potatoes, whole wheat toast, and a small coffee.

I say "morning" because it was around 11:30AM which technically is before noon but it shouldn't be considered morning.

When my meal appeared, I was appalled at what I saw.

It was 75% correct.

No home-fried potatoes were available, so they had substituted french fries instead without informing me.

Are they out of their fucking mind?

Who eats french fries with their eggs?!

I only eat cube-shaped potatoes for breakfast,

elongated rectangular prism-shaped potatoes at lunch,

and ellipsoidal-shaped potatoes at dinner.

Cylindrical-shaped potatoes are special because they can be served at lunch OR dinner.

Idiots!

Its extremely important to know what geometric shape you are allowed to eat depending on the position of the Sun.

Consumerism has Secularized Christmas

2005-12-25T16:07:00.000-05:00

I am a nerd.

I have contacted the U.S. Census and Department of Forestry and have calculated the number of Christmas trees slain since 1830 here in the United States.

After hours of geekish research, I have estimated 2.4 billion Christmas trees have been wiped out.

With the average tree density of a normal forest, that equates to 75,000 square miles (roughly the size of the entire state of South Dakota).

If you assume the mean height is 6 ft. and were to stack the trees end to end, they would go around the Earth 118 times or create 15 columns extending to the Moon
(approximately 186, 000 miles away).

I then asked myself, “Who lives in the forest?”
I know that Winnie the Pooh lives in “The Hundred Acres Forest”. So feasibly, one could deduce that every hundred acres produces one Pooh bear. Since seventy-five thousand square miles have been destroyed, the blood of a half a million Pooh bears rest on the shoulders of the paganistic ritual of Christians.

A Poohicide.

Jesus was a Jew, but he also was an anti-Poohite.

Merry Christmas!

Self Awareness - Part V

2005-12-24T15:29:00.000-05:00

They say, "Dancing is a very vertical expression of a horizontal desire."

That's unfortunate because I don't dance.

I think I'm a eunich.

People occassionally ask me if my Jewish girlfriend is Ashkenazic or Sephardic.

2005-12-23T11:19:00.000-05:00

Fortunately, she's Sephardic because I have trouble pronouncing Ashkenazic.

Someone told me the easiest way to remember how to pronounce is by saying, 'Ask-a-Nazi'

Then I remembered the guy who told me that was Todd Hitler.

Fuck that guy! I'd rather mispronounce it.

Overheard at the MTA Picket Line

2005-12-22T20:11:00.000-05:00

Booth Agent
They going to reduce our benefits.

Train Operator
They better not! I don't want nobody to touch my mutha fuckin' 501k plan!

What the hell is a "501k" plan?

I guess that's when you invest in 1000 pairs of Levi 501 jeans in flea markets in the south and then resell them to vintage stores in the East Village for a profit. I can't believe NYC is losing $400 million dollars a day because these assholes want to corner the market on denim.

Check out this gay photo of me and my girlfriend

2005-12-19T17:21:00.000-05:00

Check out this article in the Village Voice written by Rachel Kramer Bussel discussing sex at your parent's house during the holidays.

Click here

My friend and comedian Anthony DeVito disagrees about the photo being "gay". He feels we look like a pair of psychics.

I'm a horrible Christmas shopper?

2005-12-12T12:26:00.000-05:00

I'm as indecisive as a bisexual Jew-For-Jesus who smokes American Spirits™.

The words healthy and cigarettes can not be in the same sentence.

Condescending Technical Support is the Best Kind

2005-12-06T14:50:00.000-05:00

I was updating my computer and at one point I needed to input my ‘IP Address’. I happened to be talking to my buddy who is a computer guru and asked him where I would find this information.

He caustically responded, “You don’t know your IP Address?”

What the fuck?

You should only know your IP Address if you are autistic or an uber-geek who gets wet dreams in Dreamweaver.

My Computer Keeps Crashing!

2005-12-06T14:18:00.000-05:00

I’m trying to install a new program (Movable Type) onto my computer, but in order to do so I also had to download four other applications (Apache, MySQL, Perl, PHP), unzip them, install them, and make sure they were communicating with each other properly.

Fuck me!

It’s the equivalent of randomly selecting a mate from Australia, a gentleman from England, a metrosexual from NYC and a hillybilly from West Virginia and forcing them to live harmoniously together. It’s a digital episode of Real World. The Metrosexual is sick and tired of picking up after the hillbilly and the only one who empties the Recycling Bin. The pretentious Englishmen refuses to acknowledge anyone. The Australian is in a drunken rage and keeps picking fights with everyone. Tensions have risen. No can understand each other. This glass house made of Windows is about to shatter.

Who do you get when you combine Michael Landon and Wilford Brimley?

2005-11-28T16:55:00.000-05:00

Don Imus

If defenestration is the act of throwing someone out of Windows.

2005-11-25T12:49:00.000-05:00

The depomumation is the act of throwing someone out of Apple.

Conservatives Destroy Rainforests Because They are Homophobic

2005-11-24T23:58:00.000-05:00

Biologists have discovered that male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality in all mammals.

Dr. Frank Riden has theorized that by sleeping upside-down, these flying rodents are over-dosing their brain with oxygenated blood.

He has concluded that too much O₂ leads to homosexuality.

Dr. Riden has tested his OLH Theory with human scuba divers and found divers using pure O₂ rather than trimix tanks had gayer tendencies. This makes sense because the U.S. Census reported that coastal cities which have higher percentage of scuba divers have the highest population of same-sex cohabitating couples.

Photosynthesis is a process that fuels plants by converting carbon dioxide, water and light into energy and releasing O₂ as a byproduct.

According to Dr. Riden, the tropical rainforest is not only sustaining our ecosystem but also our fashion and entertainment industry as well.

Currently, he's working on a connection with the over abundant appearences of "rainbows" in these over-oxygenated areas.

The Aztec name for avocado was ahuacatl, meaning "testicle."

2005-11-23T19:58:00.000-05:00

The Aztecs considered it a sex stimulant.

Vegans love it for its Omega-3 fatty acids.

Now everytime I'm with a girl that orders an extra order of guacamole, I think, 'Great. A health-slut.'

SEEKING PREP HOST/COMEDIAN FROM NAOMI JUDD SHOW. - w4m - 32

2005-11-22T19:41:00.000-05:00

Reply to: pers-111897821@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-11-17, 11:14AM EST

this may sound crazy but why not. you were 25 and telling jokes to prep the audience for the Naomi Judd show while we were waiting. Anyhow it was about a week or two ago on a friday. I was sitting in the corner with my mother who was coughing. I am a white, 32, and figured maybe if you read this would you want to go out on a date. You had a sense of humor which isn't a very common thing for white guys in New York and you seemed nice. Actually most white guys in New York have a sense of humor only when they are whacked out on drugs and stuff.
this is in or around you were joking about still being in high school but your 25
no

-- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
111897821

Self-Awareness Part IV

2005-11-19T17:33:00.000-05:00

I’m extremely volatile and have low-self esteem.

A geologist once described me as a bulimic volcano.

MAS*H is a valid mathematical statement

2005-11-16T19:10:00.000-05:00

****WARNING MATH IS NOT SEXY*******

M
mass (m)

A
acceleration (a)

S
displacement/distance (s)

H
height (h)

If Newton’s Second Law states: Force equals mass times acceleration (F=ma),

then
m × a = Force

Displacement and height are lengths. If you multiply two lengths together, you would create a surface area.

s × h = Surface Area

So,

(m × a)(s × h) = Force × Surface area

Force × Surface Area = Pressure

pres·sure
n.
Force applied uniformly over a surface, measured as force per unit of area.

mash
n.
A crushing or grinding

Tasmanian devils have 300 pounds per square inch of bite.

I must remind readers that I was a virgin until I was 21

Adorable Handprint Designed Sheets

2005-11-15T14:30:00.000-05:00

My niece Madison just turned 3 years old.

This is a big step for toddlers on the long road to maturity.

Everyone is familiar with the final rites of passage to adulthood: discovery of masturbation, a driver’s license, the right to vote, alcohol, loss of virginity (usually in that sequential order), wisdom teeth extraction, lower car insurance, buying furniture that isn’t from IKEA®, and finally throwing away that $20 dorm-style upright halogen light.

However, no one remembers the monumental jump from infant to toddler.

For nine months, you are trapped in your mother’s cocoon. Once pardoned from the solitary confinement of her womb, you then have to endure a 35 month sentence in a caged-environment known as a crib.

Millions of innocent 2 ½ year olds around the world stare listlessly through the bars of their cell.

They have to wait until they’re 3 years olds to be exonerated from their cradles and be allowed to sleep in their own beds.

Well, little Maddie turned 3 and got a twin size bed and new sheets.

The sheets were adorably decorated with a design called KIDPRINTs® which could be described as: a white sheet with a disorganized array of polychromatic, painted handprints of various small children—or Jackson Pollack’s kindergarten project.

She loved them and played patty-cake with the handprints.

Since the sheets were new they were a little itchy. I suggested that we wash them with some Snuggle® fabric softener.

But when I grabbed the sheets in my arms, my pseudo-Spidey-Senses went off. I have a very keen ability of detecting evil. Its aura glowed red in my mind’s eye.

EVIL!

I threw it to the ground as a vampire would a clove of garlic or a vile of holy water. The sheets existence repulsed me. I reviled the very fabric that Madison revered.

My cousin didn’t understand why a freaked out and calmly asked, “Uh…why did you throw it on the ground?”

“Because, it’s Eeeev-all!” I said.

“What the fuck are you talking about? Pick it up!” he yelled.

“I can’t,” I replied.

My cousin screamed, “You are out of your fucking mind!”

As a looked at the crumpled mass of linen, I kept envisioning the factory where it was made. I saw a long conveyer belt with thousands of blank white sheets—empty canvases waiting to be painted. Then I could see the factory workers, a handful of poor, little Malaysian kids standing in front of buckets of paint. Their shift started and the foreman began to bark out, “Faster…faster!”

Then I heard one of the small workers grumble underneath his breath, “Stupid capitalistic pigs, I've never even take a shower before!”

I looked at the sheets again and saw some of the handprints were missing fingers and one little guy actually was able to scrawl out, ‘H-e-l-p-m-e.’

Against my cousin’s wishes, I ran outside with the sheets and burned them.

Just because Nike, Martha Stewart and Kathy Lee condones child slavery that doesn’t make it right.

Mormons Aren't Allowed to Eat Honey

2005-11-11T14:07:00.000-05:00

Mormons and bees both practice polygamy.

However, Mormons live in male-centric, polygynous communities and bees live in female-centric, polyandric colonies.

Joseph Smith, The Mormon Prophet, wanted to hide this biological fact from their women-folk: Animals could successfully survive with this gender arrangement.

So he took the liberty and carefully amended the Book of Revelations in the Book of Mormons.

He 'found and replaced' the word, locusts with the word bees and refered to Satan as the Queen Bee. The word honey was replaced by Satan's slime or Lucifer's blood.

I guess he was a genius, because his prophecy of killer bees has come true.

FUN FACT:
Winnie the Pooh is not a Mormon. He's a Pooh.

I think A.A. Milne was an anti-Semite.
"Poohs love honey," sounds a lot like "Jews love money."

Christians want to Re-design Government Architecture

2005-11-08T14:29:00.000-05:00

Having the theory of intelligent design(ID) implemented beside Darwin’s Theory of Evolution into the Kansas school curriculum was a huge victory for Christian Fundamentalists. Not wanting to lose their momentum, they have begun campaigning against the Pentagon.

This fiery, five-sided, paganistic polygon has been the official symbol for Satan since the birth of mankind. If they succeed,future Department of Divine Defense officials will make their decisions in a new, twelve-sided building called the Dodecagon in shape of a cross.

"Tuez-les tous; Dieu reconnaitra les siens."
-Arnaud-Amaury, Abbot of Citeaux,during the Fourth Crusade, outside the fortified city of Beziers in July,1209

Which translates to,"Kill them all; for the Lord knoweth them that are His."

or

"Kill'em all, let God sort 'em out!" in Marine talk

Read this old blog entry

2005-11-06T09:39:00.000-05:00

Someone left an anonymous comment about my thoughts on society's demonization of the word, "Mexican".

I guess he thinks I'm a narrow-minded asshole.

Please read my entry and his comments and you decide for yourselves.

Click here
Mexican

If you eat a mermaid, are you considered a cannibal or a sushi lover?

2005-11-04T09:16:00.000-05:00

Spanish dictionaries should be called Mexicons.

2005-11-03T09:45:00.000-05:00

I Don’t Understand PETA

2005-11-01T23:15:00.000-05:00

PETA’s president, Ingrid Newkirk once stated, "When it comes to feelings such as pain, fear, hunger, and thirst, a rat is a pig is a dog is a boy."

In her eyes, we are all the same.

Yet, their name is PETA which stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

Why do they differentiate between people and animal?

Aren’t animals and people equal?

You don’t hear civil right groups stating Whites for the Ethical Treatment of Colored and Miscellaneous People.

It should be Animals for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

I understand why they don’t want to change their name because they would have to pronounce it Aye-EE-ta.

This could easily be confused with the Broadway musical Aida.

If they were smart, they would pair up with Disney and produce their own musical about a cow who falls in love with her owner.

Set in the outskirts of Chicago, Aeta is the exciting and passionate tale of a Moobian princess who falls in love with her owner, Farmer John. Aeta becomes the personal pet of Polly, the daughter of a meat packing mogul, who also is enamored by Farmer John. Aeta tells the tale of a story of love, devotion and betrayal spanning lifetimes.

My girlfriend told me, "It’s men like you that drive women to Bulimia."

2005-10-31T12:41:00.000-05:00

"That’s ridiculous!" I said, "I don’t even know where Bulimia is."

I Mapquest-ed it and found out it’s actually a small country right next to Hungary and Low-self-esteemia.

I could fly a woman to Eastern Europe but couldn’t I drive a woman across the Atlantic Ocean? Come on, that’s crazy talk.

Polysexuals

2005-10-28T00:18:00.000-04:00

When I look at porn online, I find myself watching a girl having sex with six other guys. I don’t know why this turns me on, but in some sick, perverted way it does.

I have to ask myself, "Am I a closeted misogynist?"

Personally, I’d never want to be in that situation because I wouldn’t know what position I would take. I'm too passive-aggressive.

“Okay…you got top…alright…bottom goes to Joe...great...Gary has the left hand…good choice…”

I’d end up being the guy kissing her, who always looks so sad and pathetic.

Then some guy would muscle in to get blown.

“Oh…you want her to do that…okay…I guess I’ll massage her feet. Oh…you want to have sex with her feet…by all means, please go ahead…I’m going to step out for a bit. It’s her Mom’s birthday and I want to buy her a card. If you guys want, I can come back and we can all sign it. That would be swell!”

Different Grades of Unleaded Gas at Mobil

2005-10-26T23:08:00.000-04:00

Super Unleaded is 93 octane.
Special Unleaded is 89 octane.
Regular Unleaded is only 87 octane.

They should re-think their labeling system considering that the average IQ of a human is about 100.

93 octane should be Regular, 89 octane would be Borderline, and 87 octane would be "Special".

GAS ATTENDANT
What can I do you for?

CUSTOMER
Fill'er up, I guess. Goddamn, I cant' buh-lieve its three fif-dee a gallon.

GAS ATTENDANT
What kind do you want? We're runnin' a special on our eighty-seven octane?

CUSTOMER
No offense to your kid, Floyd, but I ain't gonna put no retard gas in my El Camino.

I Don’t Understand NASCAR Fans’ Infatuation with Their Drivers

2005-10-24T16:09:00.000-04:00

Every time I perform in the South, somehow I manage to get surrounded by NASCAR fanatics meeting for the first time.

Ritualistically, they start asking each other in a droning redneck mantra, “Who’s your favorite driver? Who’s your favorite dryy-ver? Who’s your favorite dryyy-ver?”

Then every goofball starts sounding off:

“Rusty Wallace’s my man!”
“Man, I love Jeff Gordon!”
“I’m a Mark Martin Man!”

This is confusing because these quasi-homoerotic proclamations are always given by very “heterosexual” men who smell like WD-40, stale Budweiser, and campfire smoke.

There are millions of closeted NASCAR fans, trying to get out.

This is what they really are saying:

“Mark Martin’s my man, I used to like Kyle Petty but he wouldn’t shave his moustache and it kinda hurt when we kiss and stuff and Ernie Irvin broke my heart in 93’. That’s why I’m a Mark Martin Man, now! I tell you what boy, every time I see a Number Six, Viagra car, I get hard as a can of Copenhagen!”

This is my impression of a NASCAR fan in Ancient Greece:
“Who’s your favorite diety? Who's your favorite dee-ahh-tee? Who's your favorite dee-ahhh-tee?”

“Zeus is my man!”
“Man, I love Apollo!”
“I’m a Bacchus Man!"

“Bacchus is my man, I used to like Apollo, but we had to write poetry and shit and the Church of Aphrodite was fun but then I got gonorrhea. That’s why I’m a Bacchus Man, now! I tell you what boy, every time I see a fat guy surrounded by a bunch of drunken centaurs I get hard as a column at the Parthenon.”

Roche Creates Drug to Combat the Avian Flu

2005-10-21T17:16:00.000-04:00

The pharmaceutical company Hoffman-La Roche Inc. has created TAMIFLU (oseltamivir phosphate), a drug designed to combat the ominous Avian Flu which originated in Asia and has become a global threat.

Employees of Roche can’t wait to comeback to the U.S. after their mandated relocation to Mexico in the early 1990’s. The FDA had put a ban on their very popular Rohypnol (flunitrazepam) or known on the street as Roofies. Forcing college fraternities, Marines, lawyers, professional athletes, ravers, rappers, motorcycle gangs, used car salesmen and Mike Tyson to buy their beloved date-rape drug from dealers who had smuggled it over the borders.

TAMIFLU is a derivative of Rohypnol, it's most affective when consumed by naïve, underaged individuals with Malibu® Coconut Rum and Orange Juice. It enables the patient's white blood cells to sedate the influenza virus and rape them.

I always spoon with a girl that I make love with...

2005-10-21T16:07:00.000-04:00

...unless she has an abnormally large ass.
Then we have to ladle.

♫Oh, ladle, ladle, ladle

This is how we lay

And when she's round and ready

Then, ladle will we lay♫

The Moon Diet

2005-10-18T18:26:00.000-04:00

My friend Ben is extremely overweight—over 400 pounds. He’s always on some ridiculous diet to shed his excess fat. Right now he’s only eating apples and canned tuna fish.

I told him if he really wanted to reduce his “weight” just wait until the Moon was directly overhead and he would “weigh” less because the gravitational pull of the Moon would be pulling up on his body.

“That’s awesome!", Ben said then asked, "How much would I weigh then?”

I answered, “Oh…about…three hundred and ninety-nine point nine nine eight.”

“Oh—not enough to make a difference,” he gloomily responded as he bit into a over ripened green apple.

“Hey man, just think. In twenty years, I’m sure NASA will have a lunar colony. If you moved there, you would only weigh 67 pounds. You would still be big as fuck, but have the weight of an eight year old.”

“Fuck you!”

Friendly’s® Happy Ending Sundae

2005-10-17T14:44:00.000-04:00

When I was in Virginia, I drove by a Friendly’s® restaurant and noticed that the marquee claimed, “Free Happy Ending Sundae with Every Entree”.

My Uncle Ed was in the Marines and had told me as a teenager that happy endings was code word for oral pleasure at a massage parlor.

The temptation was too great to pass up. I went in and looked for the hottest waitress in the place. Not an easy thing to do in Leesburg, Virginia on a Sunday. I found one that looked like Flo from Mel’s Diner except a little plumper and not as sexy. Her name was Rose.

I ordered a Buffalo Chicken Sandwich and an iced tea. While smacking her gum, she scribbled, B-C-H-I-X and a happy face on her writing pad, winked at me, and said, “Comin’ right up, sugar.”

My face turned red with embarrassment. I felt like I was an eighteen year old GI from WWII in front of an aging prostitute.

Rose brought out the sandwich and the ice tea. She smiled and said, “Pumpkin, lemme know when yer done, so I can bring you yer dessert.” I felt awkward looking at her fifty year old, apple ass swish back and forth like a cat’s tail.

I ate my meal, made eye contact with her, and beckoned her over.

I coyly said, “I guess, I’ll have my happy ending now.”

Rose disappeared into the kitchen, and came out with a serving tray with a sundae on it. She cleared my plate and placed my complimentary dessert in front of me. Confused, I ate it.

When I was done, she asked me, “Do you want anything else, sugarplum?”

She pointed at my empty bowl and my chest region in a circular motion and said, “Do you want me to clean this up?”

That’s when I got it.

The secret password wasn’t happy ending it was clean this up. So I put my hands behind head and said, “Yes, I would love for you to clean this up.”

Rose said, “Sure thing, sweetie”, and she clapped her hands together and yelled out, “Enrique, can you clean this up?”

Morale of the story:
If you want a great chicken sandwich and love being blown by a Mexican, go to Friendly’s®.

Never Text Someone When You're Angry

2005-10-16T14:47:00.000-04:00

My ex-girlfriend called me and left an annoying voice mail.

Without thinking, I retaliated back by texting, “You define the word bitch” (SEND)

I make about 50 text messages a day with my T9 WORD software, so my thumbs punched out the word B-I-T-C-H by memory—2-4-8-2-4 (SEND)

The next day I felt bad about my shitty response so I called her back to apologize.

She immediately started to yell at me and I regretted I called but I told her I didn’t mean what I texted yesterday.

She calmed down when she realized I was calling to say, “I’m sorry.”

She then asked, “Do you really think I’m fat?”

And I said, “What are you talking about?”

“Your message said, “You define the word chubi…C-H-U-B-I”

“Oh no, the stupid T9 software screwed up my words, I don’t think you’re chubby, I think you’re a bitch.”

(click)

“Hello…hello…”

Teddy Roosevelt was a Conservationist??

2005-10-13T19:43:00.000-04:00

Theoretically, Theodore Roosevelt was considered the first conservation president of the United States.

Yet, if you walk into the Museum of Natural History here in NYC, you will encounter thousands of dioramas of death. A cornucopia of categorized corpses killed by "conservationists".

Its exactly like the Bronx Zoo except the animals are dead and frozen in time. On the upside the smell of giraffe shit isn't forced up your nostrils.

Little Teddy had an affinity for killing animals since he was seven years old when he saw a dead seal in the market and kept its head.

He moved on to big game hunting and started to collect his spoils for his "museum". In order to have a scene look authentic, he and his Rough Riders would kill and collect everything in a 20 foot by 20 foot area. Everything...daddy buffalo, mama buffalo, the sick grandma...then he would dismount and snap the neck of the little ones because bullets would damage their hides.

When he had gathered all the animals, then he would move onto the plant life. Uprooting anything that casted a shadow.

Then in 1891, he struck plant gold. The mighty Sequoia trees in Northern California.

He made a battle cry to his men, "I want that goddamn tree for my museum!!"

Not only did he carry a Big Stick, but he also carried a gatling gun.

They cranked the handle of the gun and spat out round after round until the ancient tree crashed to the ground.

R.I.P. Molly Redwood
Born 550
Died 1891

Fun Facts: Sharks are immune to cancer...

2005-10-12T21:16:00.000-04:00

and...koala bears are immune to AIDS.

That's great news for those cuddly, snuggly, eucalyptus-eating teddy bears!

Unfortunately, truck stop bathrooms in the Outback are becoming unprotected marsupial orgies and now that the fear of sharing needles has been lifted, Melbourne morgues are becoming overwhelmed by dead koala bears overdosed on heroin.

"Opossum" defies the Laws of Phoenetics

2005-10-11T17:25:00.000-04:00

I'm naming my first child Opeter with a silent o.

Jesus Christ was a not a product of a miracle, he was created by parthenogenesis.

2005-10-10T17:20:00.000-04:00

partheno-genesis (pär'thənōjĕn'əsĭs)
[Greek,=virgin-birth]

The whiptail lizards are parthenogenetic species consisting entirely of a female population sans males.

This colony of fatherless, Amazonian lizards are able to create life yet retain their virginity.

Every egg that hatches has a possibility of becoming a Messiah.

Jim Morrison, The Lizard King, could not reign over these Wonder Women of reptiles.

New Yorkers are passertive.

2005-10-09T15:52:00.000-04:00

I've decided to add this word to our lexicon by combining the words assertive and passive-aggressive.

pas·ser·tive (pas-sûr tiv)

adj.

Aggressively self-assured individual characterized by habitual passive resistance to social situations.

Example:

A young executive named Tom was heading back to his midtown office from a sushi lunch and noticed a hostile homeless man begging for donations (preferably in paper denominations) directly in front of the revolving door. Tom knowing he only had twenties and hundreds, he did not want to confront the violent vagrant. He strategically put on his iPod earphones, scrolled down to Rage Against the Machine, then selected the song Fistful of Steel, and pressed play the instant the desparate destitute began his well-honed monologue. Tom passertively pushed the bum aside, avoided eye contact, and said, "I can't hear you!"

Technology has atrophied my ability to memorize.

2005-10-08T00:39:00.000-04:00

I vividly remember how proud I was when I stood up in front of my kindergarten class and recited my phone number.

A quarter of a century later, I can't even remember the first three digits of my girlfriend cell phone number.

My attachment with my phone's Phonebook is atomic.

This unhealthy relationship becomes crystal clear when someone calls me for a mutual friend's number and I realize its in my all-knowing numerical lexicon.

I have to tell the caller to wait while I retrieve it.

Press "Menu"

then "Phonebook"

Scroll down to the name of the individual

Make sure I haven't accidentally dropped the original caller

Remember as many numbers as possible and start reciting

Realize my short-memory allows only 3 numbers at a time

Become flustered when the caller didn't hear the entire number

Repeat the sluggish process of calling out 3 numbers again

I hope Darwin's Theory is wrong or we are truly fucked.

Keeping Up with The Joneses

2005-09-28T19:01:00.000-04:00

SALES CLERK
Would you like to see the new iPod® nano?

ME
No, thanks. I just bought a portable CD player last week.

SALES CLERK
What? Where? Used? It had to be at a pawn shop.

ME
Nope. Brand new. It's awesome. Has a built in pager, takes Polaroid® pictures, and came with a VHS analog adapter.

MySpace is video crack for egotist with low self esteem.

2005-09-26T12:10:00.000-04:00

A few things I've absorbed from MySpace:

The number of "Friends" in a MySpace profile is a direct correlation to the number of hours logged on to the internet and inversely related to that person's actual social skill.

The beacon enlightens me how unproductive we humans have become.

When my beacon is on, I feel like Frodo Baggins when he slips on his ring and he becomes visible to the Nazgûl , Wraiths of the Shadow World.

MySpace creator Tom must get laid every day.

The saddest MySpace moment is having an actual physical friend not accept you as a MySpace friend and you receive the message, "You already have a pending friend request for this person."

To add insult to injury, you see that the motherfucker is and logs in and out everyday.

Friendster is the equivalent of a pager.

I'm writing a biography about Kevin Bacon in the sixth person.

2005-09-21T08:16:00.000-04:00

It's about a busboy named Enrique who is blown by a waitress whose father is a chiropractor of a women who just bought an autographed DVD of Footloose off of eBay™ from a guy in Phoenix who was actually blown by Kevin Bacon.

10 Rules to Date My Fictitious Daughter

2005-09-16T09:59:00.000-04:00

№ 1 Can not play a dulcimer in the subway for money
: № 2 Lotto tickets should not be overflowing from wallet
: № 3 Should not be an expert dart or pool player
: № 4 Should not be fluent in Klingon or Elvish
: № 5 Must dislike Vin Diesel movies
: № 6 Can not be Vin Diesel
: № 7 Must not refer to reading as readin’; № 8 Should not own a collection of bukkake DVDs
: № 9 Should not know how to obtain Roofies
: № 10 Must not be in a fraternity (see #9)

Mothers Don't Understand Technology

2005-09-15T20:13:00.000-04:00

Mom
Honey, when is your show on TV?

Me
It's Friday at 8PM on Channel 45.

Mom
I wish I hadn't sold my VCR.

Me
Do you have a DVR cable box?

Mom
No. Maybe I should buy one of those DiVo® machines.

Me
You should. It's sad that the band Devo whores out their equipment to record videos.

Vegans only drink Natural Light.

2005-09-15T09:26:00.000-04:00

New Abortion Groups

2005-09-12T17:53:00.000-04:00

Ever since the Roe vs. Wade case, the topic of abortion has been a heated debate between two factions:

Pro-Life
opponents of the legalization of abortion

and

Pro Choice
advocates of the legalization of abortion.

Two new groups have developed recently:

Pro-Create
a group of Catholic missionaries living in Tahiti who are advocates of promiscuious breeding habits.

Pro-Pane
a small cult of petroleum workers outside of Houston, Texas who are advocates of illegal abortions.

Nobody Remembers Me

2005-09-11T14:32:00.000-04:00

It was horrible what happened 4 years ago on 9-11. People lost their lives and will always be remembered.

But what about me, I still exist. Somehow through this tragic event, I have been deleted from everyone’s mind. Erased. Eradicated. Brainwashed out of Man’s hard drive.

Nine, eleven…nine, eleven…nine, eleven

Anything missing?

What happened to “ten”!

I use to be a “somebody”. The world revolved around me.

The Ten Commandments, “She’s a perfect ten”, “Hang ten”, “ten little indians”…for Christ’s sake the majority of Earth’s civilizations use a base-10 numbering system.

Now I feel invisible. A shadow. I know what Ashlee Simpson feels like at Thanksgiving, or Tito at Christmas. What have I done to deserve this? Am I not easily divisible? Do I not make multiplying a simple task? What the fuck more do you want from me?

I could understand if I was irrational or a transcendental number. They’re enigmas.

Who knows their purpose? I don’t.

I ran with that pack in college.

π, Φ the Golden Ratio, e the Natural Number…they were all deadbeats out of they’re minds.

π was always tripping on acid and trying to convince me he was from outer space and that he helped everyone from the Egyptians build the pyramids to the Mayan temples. Give me a break.

The Golden Ratio was under the impression that he was the divine Renaissance number created by God himself. Φ was one self-righteous, ecclesiastical mother fucker.

The Natural Number e seemed normal, until you started to talk about money. Compound this, compound that…he would get this diabolical look in his eye when you mentioned interest rates. He’d sell his mother’s lung if he could profit from it.

I’m a rational number. A whole number.
God damn you all, it’s nine, TEN, eleven!

Burger King® Likes Subservient Chickens?

2005-09-09T09:26:00.000-04:00

http://www.subservientchicken.com/

Burger King® has some sort of weird chicken costume fetish.

These commands worked: punch, slap, sleep, sit, burn, hug, kiss, kick, fuck, and beg.

Burger Kinky®

Enjoy?
Leave a comment if other commands work.

Overheard in a Starbucks on Fifth Avenue

2005-09-07T21:50:00.000-04:00

MIDWESTERN MODEL
How's your new agency? Any perks?

PERUVIAN MODEL
At first they were great, then stupid 9-11 happened. Now I have to fly coach.

MIDWESTERN MODEL
Yeah, that sucks. I hate terrorists. You're from Peru right?

PERUVIAN MODEL
Si.

MIDWESTERN MODEL
I just watched a show about Conquistadors. They were reeeeallly mean.

PERUVIAN MODEL
Who? What happened?

MIDWESTERN MODEL
You know...when the Incas were killed by Francisco Picasso.

PERUVIAN MODEL
Oh yeah, they like took their ears off or something.

I am an autodidact afflicted with malapropism.

2005-08-28T16:27:00.000-04:00

I have fucked up the lyrics to every song I have ever attempted to sing.

(From 2^nd grade until two years ago)
AC/DC
"Dirty deeds...and the thunder weeds..."

(From 10^th grade until college)
Violent Femmes
"I eat beans...I stain my sheets...I don't even know why...My girlfriend, she's at the edge...she is starting to cry"

We Have a Love-Hate Relationship with Oxygen

2005-08-24T23:28:00.000-04:00

Humans would die without Oxygen.

Our brains would cease to operate if we stopped breathing it, our bodies would be devoured by skin cancer if the ozone layer (O3) dissipated , and lets not forget that H2O is the elixir of life.

Now if you add one itty bitty oxygen molecule to dihydrogen monoxide (aka…Water) you have H2O2 which everyone knows as hydrogen peroxide.

Every household in America has a brown bottle full of this bacteria-fighting, bleaching water-like fluid in their medicine cabinet.

The pharmacies only peddle the commercial version in an extremely diluted form, only three percent of the bottle is actually hydrogen peroxide.

Little does the public know that this potent potion in its full industrial form is used as rocket fuel and causes cancer. In fact, the Russian submarine Kursk tragedy was caused by leakage of hydrogen peroxide.

I truly don’t understand chemistry.

Humans need water.

Humans need air.

Yet, in our universe :: Water + Air = Death?

Geeks will argue that “Air” is not entirely Oxygen. It is composed of 80% Nitrogen and 20% Oxygen.

That is true.

However, my nerdy little Avogrado-lovers…Pure Oxygen is extremely dangerous and flammable.

We have been abused by this manipulative molecule since The Big Bang.

He has broken our spirit. We fear his wrath, but are dependent upon him.

Oxygen is Ike and we are Tina. Fuck you, Oxygen!

I can’t wait until we evolve into another species.

I would rather breathe ammonia than live with this abusive bastard.

Which band do you listen to on the radio?

2005-08-23T17:25:00.000-04:00

Are you retarded? FM! AM sucks.

You can't tell a book by its cover, but you can tell a movie by its font

2005-08-20T22:56:00.000-04:00

My great-grandfather invented the paper clip.

2005-08-18T01:01:00.000-04:00

Big fucking deal, my great-great-great-Uncle Angelo invented rice.

Do you know how much residuals he gets just from Chinatown?

He makes Bill Gates look like white trash.

Beat that bitch!

I know a website is legitimate when I see a rotating dollar sign.

2005-08-18T00:59:00.000-04:00

Don't worry, Daddy-O...just nine hours and twenty more minutes and everything will be just fine.

2005-08-17T23:22:00.000-04:00

Advances in Muppet® Medicine

2005-08-12T00:31:00.000-04:00

Snuffleupagus fans around the globe were sadden by the news of the well-known wooly pacaderm being diagnosed with testicular cancer.

Fortunately, New Zealand scientists have been able to hydoponically produce synthetic Muppet balls. His surgery is scheduled for next week.

The Tony Award winning cast of the Broadway musical Avenue Q has offered his life partner Big Bird a benefit show to pay for the procedure. Click here for tickets.

Verizon Technicians Always Start Off with the Same Question Everytime

2005-08-09T01:43:00.000-04:00

My cell phone was broken, so I had to take it into a Verizon Service Center.

Gary the technician rudely asked me, “Have you ever got your phone wet?”

I was extremely offended and defensively said, “That’s kind of personal, Gary.”

“Well, have you or haven’t you gotten your phone wet?”

“No. We’ve tried everything, but we still have to use lube. I’ve bought every accessory on the market. I only set her on vibrate, but I still can’t get her excited.”

“Did you read the manual?”

“I don’t need to read the fucking manual! I use to arouse my old Motorola StarTAC just fine”

“Those older analog models were dumb and easy. These new digital "smart" video camera/mp3/internet ready ones can be a little fickle.”

“Fickle…hmmpf…frigid—more like it. I couldn't get this Ice Queen wet if I was Brad Pitt.”

Ode to a Hombre Flaco y Blanquito

2005-08-03T21:27:00.000-04:00

Yo soy un hombre flaco y blanquito.

Debil.
Baboso.

Un gringo quemado que habla mal el español.

Un poco femenino.

Alguna personas son
Blanco.
Alguna personas son
Latino.

Soy ninguno del los dos.

Yo sere Blanco por fuero
pero por dentro soy Latino.

Tráigame frijoles y maduros y dejame en libertad.

Do Mexican misogynist refuse to acknowledge feminine words?

2005-07-25T21:17:00.000-04:00

¿Cuál es una biblioteca? Se llama uno biblioteco.

Senor, su caso o mi caso?

I have to give my socks insulin...so sad.

2005-07-16T12:33:00.000-04:00

CNN's Lou Dobbs has a Black Tooth

2005-07-15T23:49:00.000-04:00

Lou Dobbs Tonight show makes me nauseous.

Although, it brings a smile to my face when I see Lou's bottom incisor.

It looks like someone implanted a piece of black rice.

Enjoy.

I refuse to drink tap water, unless its disguised in a water fountain.

2005-07-13T21:40:00.000-04:00

Do cucumber farmers eventually become gay?

2005-07-12T23:55:00.000-04:00

Condoleezza Rice flosses with socks.

2005-06-28T22:41:00.000-04:00

I’m sick of Googling myself

2005-06-27T00:48:00.000-04:00

So I decided to use dictionary.com instead.

I entered my name and here are the results:

No entry found for dan allen.

Did you mean Van Allen?

Suggestions:

down-fallen
Fallen, as from high position; ruined.

ding-a-ling
A scatterbrained or eccentric person.

Dandy line
A ninny, silly fellow; gives undue attention to dress

Fuck you dictionary.com!

I'm famous because I can't spell

2005-06-26T20:48:00.000-04:00

Out of 32,300 web pages, Google™ ranks my site #1 for the key words,
"Zimmerman Telegraph."

Check it out here

I was impressed with my awesome web presence, but was saddened when I realized it's spelled, "Zimmermann."

On the other hand, Google™ can only find 13,500 pages with the correct spelling.

I may have mispelled his name, but I'm still popular with mildly retarded fans of WWI who can't spell either.

Self-Awareness Part III

2005-06-21T20:04:00.000-04:00

Bathroom products are emasculating men.

I buy therapeutic shaving gel, shampoo for delicate hair, toothpaste for sensitive teeth, and toilet paper with aloe.

These seem manly in comparison to a new product at Pier 1 imports®, a lilac-infused, fleece washcloth that permanently wipes off your penis.

Olive Garden Girl from Kansas - m4w - 27

2005-06-18T18:03:00.000-04:00

Reply to: anon-79571756@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-06-18, 2:19PM EDT

Olive Garden employee Girl from Kansas you were working at the front door friday night. I was there with 2 friends around 8 o'clock. From the short conversation we had, we found out that we both were from kansas and don't like to read. Well thought you were a cutie and did not get a chance to speak too you. Its been hard to find another person here in NYC that doesn't believe in evolution. well get back to me.

* this is in or around Times Square
* no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

79571756

I Wish I was Puerto Rican Because I Love to Go Camping

2005-06-16T19:48:00.000-04:00

I was enlightened with the fact, that mangoes belong to the same family as poison ivy, the Sumac family. Certain cultures have made this fruit a staple in their diet. Puerto Rico became one of those countries. In 1750, the mango was introduced to their island and Puerto Rico embraced it. After two and half centuries of consumption, Puerto Ricans have unknowingly developed a natural immunity to poison ivy.

Case in point, my friend Ricardo and I were running through the woods naked. I unfortunately was hospitalized for a burning, eczematous rash and mi amigo Ricardo came out unscathed.

Once I recovered, I had an inspiration and drew out my quill and scribed this poem...

Mangos
Succulent orbs of protective fructose

Poison Ivy
Infectious, secreting leaves of agony

The devious, demonic plant lurking below
Preying on unsuspecting Gringos with their unprotected skin

Behold!
Mira!

My epidermis is laced with Mango Madness.
Defending my body from the venomous juice.

My regal blood is produced by my pumping, pulminary papaya
Immune to the toxic Taliban of torment

Eschuchen, por favor

I love to lay in the grass
You can kiss my Puerto Rican ass

Overheard at Laundromat in Queens

2005-06-12T01:07:00.000-04:00

FAT LADY
There aren’t anymore goddamn good movies left at The Dollar Store.

GUY WITH BROWN TEETH
Yeah, you’re tellin’ me.

FAT LADY
There ain’t one fuckin’ descent movie in there.

GUY WITH BROWN TEETH
(sighs) I know…I know

FAT LADY lights a Viceroy 100 cigarette

FAT LADY
It’s a good thing I went in there last week and bought the ones I liked.

GUY WITH BROWN TEETH
Me too.

FAT LADY
I’m glad I was able to grab Beverly Hillbillies. Now there’s just a bunch of shit left.

GUY WITH BROWN TEETH laughs

I Have Sensitive Teeth

2005-06-11T03:01:00.000-04:00

My dentist said I should use Sensodyne because I have sensitive teeth. I didn't think they were that sensitive until my girlfriend said my teeth make my penis look small and then I started to cry.

Universities are Unsensitive to Sensitive Students

2005-06-07T02:15:00.000-04:00

Today, many Berkley students protested the word, “university,” because “uni-” implies “one.” One is not diverse enough and sounds racist. Protesters have thousands of signatures to ban the offensive and bigoted word from campus. They have come up with four alternative names for the school official and alumni to choose from:

(72%)Berkley Multiversity (The campus favorite)

(24%)Diversity of Berkley (Which meets a little resistance because “di-” conjures “division” or “digression” which leads to “separation” then “segregation.”)

(3%)Biodiversity of Berkley (Nominated by botanists)

(1%)Berkley Perversity (Submitted by Ogre from the Alpha Betas)

If Luke never found out that Leia was his twin sister, would their child have had "special" abilities?

2005-06-06T17:25:00.000-04:00

There was a lot of sexual tension between Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia when they first met. It’s a good thing Yoda told Luke that Leia was his fraternal twin sister before he had died.

Who could imagine the birth defects of child produced by two Jedi twins.

One year after Emperor Palpatine’s death (1 A.B.Y)

Ancient Massassi temple on Yavin IV (Fourth moon of Yavin)

Medical facility in the New Republic base

2-1B MEDICAL DROID
His midi-clorians level is off the charts, over 21,000. Unfortunately, he also has an extra chromosome.

LEIA
What does that mean, Two Onebee?

2-1B
It means he has the innate ability to use the Force, but will have Down’s Syndrome as well.

LUKE and LEIA
NOOOOOO!

LEIA
Oh, Luke! What are we going to do?

R2-D2
(whirrrr-chirp-whistle-beeeeep-beep-whistle-blip-whirr)

C3-PO
Behave R2, it isn’t polite to call Master Skywalker’s son a retarded Jedi.

HAN
(smirks)Polite? This is history in the making. R2’s right. You’re son is going to be the first retarded Jedi.

LEIA
You’re an asshole, Solo!

HAN
Hey! Your Holy Highness of the Universe, if you would have fallen for me and not Golden Boy, you two wouldn’t be in this mess.

LUKE
Cool it, Han! I won her—fair and square.

HAN
Won her?! I don’t how things work on a moisture farm, but “sisters” are off limits where I come from…no matter how hot she is. Wookies do it, but their animals.

CHEWBACCA
ARRRGHHHHHHH!!!!

HAN
Shut up ya big baby, stop acting like an overstuffed Ewok.

CHEWBACCA
GRRRRRRRRRRRR!

HAN
Now you’re acting retarded.

LUKE
Stop saying, “Retarded.”

HAN
Why, because your son’s retar…

LUKE activates his lightsaber. HAN unholsters his blaster pistol.

(to be CONT’D in the Episode VII—The Force Goes On)

Fifteen years later (15 A.B.Y.)
Coruscant, capital of the New Republic
Jar-Jar Binks High School
Locker Room

JOCK #1
Hey ‘tard, heard you couldn’t get into your Dad’s Temple on Yavin 4?

CORKY SKYWALKER
Quit it.

JOCK #1
What are you goin' to do? Huh?

CORKY SKYWALKER
Cut it out.

JOCK #2
Be careful, he can crush your trachea with his mind.

JOCK #1
I ain’t scared of a retar…

CORKY SKYWALKER extends his right hand out. JOCK #1 drops to his knees, clasps his neck, and begins to choke.

JOCK #2
Stop! You’re going to kill him.

JOCK #2 lunges forward. CORKY waves his left arm out in a sweeping arc motion and effortlessly hurls JOCK #2 backwards with the Force. JOCK #1 dies and his lifeless body slumps forward.

Camera zooms into CORKY’s face and shows his eye color transform into yellow. Darth Vader’s theme music plays in the background. Scene fades.

(to be CONT’D in Episode VIII—Darth Tardo Strikes Back)

Do Trojans Defend?

2005-06-03T17:57:00.000-04:00

I’m confused why a company would choose the Trojans as their symbol.

I’ve tried to create a logical analogy between modern condoms and the ancient battle between the Greeks and the Trojans: The Greeks embodied a man and the Trojans personified a woman, the wooden exterior of the horse would have symbolized a condom, the man’s sperm was represented by the army of Greek warriors, the gate of Troy’s wall would be her vagina, the Trojan defenders were spermicide and the highly-prized Helen characterized the woman’s egg.

On the surface, it appears to be quite a clever correlation.

Yet if you dig deeper and discover the outcome of the battle, it doesn’t make sense why they would be so proud to bear the name Trojan® as the most effective protection against invasions.

The female was deceptively wooed by the man. She left her spermicide in the medicine cabinet because he had assured her that is was safe. He slid his condom into her vagina. Once safely inside, his tampered condom broke and flooded her with his sperm. The sperm leader then swam up the perilous Phallopyan Tower and captured the enchanted Egg Princess.

The Trojans failed.

Troy got knocked up.

I could understand, if they sold diaphragms with prefabricated holes marketed towards women who wanted to ensnare men into marriage through pregnancy.

Trojan® Diaphragms— #1 in Unwanted Pregancies

2005-06-01T16:22:00.001-04:00

Two of my many Orthorexic dietary restrictions are:
limit my dairy and saturated fat intake.

Unfortunately, my unnatural, affinity for Ben & Jerry’s™ Chunky Monkey© ice cream makes those rules obsolete as the enforcement of the law forbidding jaywalking.

How do I justify my addiction?

The Ben & Jerry’s™ corporation is an environmentally conscience company concerned about minimizing any negative impact on our future society and environment: employee healthcare, urban youth development, its stance on BGH hormones in cows, and recyclable paper products.

They make me feel like I’m saving the planet—one pint at a time.

What are the ingredients in my beloved Chunky Monkey©?

Pure and simple:
Cream, Skim Milk, Liquid Sugar, Water, Sugar, Walnuts, Bananas, Egg Yolks, Coconut Oil, Cocoa, Concentrated Lemon Juice, Guar Gum, Natural Flavors, Milkfat, Soya Lecithin, Carrageenan

The cream and milk are fortified with vitamin D from a loving cow, the spring water is purified, the sugar is from raw sugar canes, the bananas are organic and crammed with potassium, protein-packed walnuts, and the the endorphin-inducing calcium chunks of all-natural milk chocolate are blended together into a frosty, mouth-savoring, bowl of nutritious delight.

Unfortunately, this “green”, organic, eco-friendly exterior is hiding a “black”, crude, glutton-making interior.

Each pint contains 1,200 calories and 40 grams of saturated fat, the equivalent of 32 slices of bacon.

If you ate one pint a day for a year, you would consume 500,393 calories or 3,336 hot dogs.

Theoretically, there are four servings in one pint. Yeah, fucking right! It is aptly named, Chunky Monkey©. I’ve got a sweet monkey on my back that I can’t shake.

At least, heroine is illegal. I can buy my drug at a Texaco and eat it while I’m driving.

And let’s not forget to mention the ozone-depleting methane produced by the thousands of cows needed, which leads to global warming.

Let’s hope that Mad Cow Disease doesn’t ever attack Ben & Jerry’s™ supply. Chubby insurgents will invade Canada’s dairy farms for uncontaminated milk. Deplete their stocks and ravenously scour the Earth for untainted cows. The bovine elixir will become the catalyst for World War III.

Ben & Jerry’s™ can take their “Save the Planet” motto and shove it up their drug-dealing, capitalistic asses.

Hope You're Not Color Blind

2005-05-31T13:21:00.000-04:00

Can you the choose the correct rhyme associated with the color scheme of the stripes on the deadly coral snake?

A)
Red then black
Friend of Jack
Red then yellow
Kill a fellow

B)
Red then black
Surprise attack
Red then yellow
Extremely mellow

C)
Black then red
You are so fucking dead!
Black then yellow
The venom will enter your bloodstream and paralyze your nervous system.
The only food you will be able to eat is Jello.

D)
All of the above

Good Luck!

Overdose Sex Offenders with Viagra

2005-05-27T19:16:00.000-04:00

Lawmakers are trying to stop sex offenders from receiving Viagra through Medicaid.

I don't know how I feel about this. Personally, I wouldn't want to be sexually attacked by someone without their prescribed Viagra. I'm very insecure. I feel inadequate when I'm not able to arouse my girlfriend. I'd feel horrible if I wasn't able to arouse a rapist.

ATTACKEE
Is everything alright back there?

SEXUAL ATTACKER
Uhh...yeah...Just hold on a second

ATTACKEE
Do you want me to act more scared?

SEXUAL ATTACKER
Its not you...you're doing great...

ATTACKEE
How about you go outside and kick the door this time? I promise to be more scared.

SEXUAL ATTACKER leaves in frustration

ATTACKEE looks in the mirror and begins to cry

ATTACKEE
What's wrong with me? Am I ugly?

They should use this to their advantage since doctors are discovering Viagra leads to blindness and force them to use it. It's hard to rape someone if you can't see.

"Hard" to Obtain Credit Card Upgrades

2005-05-26T16:04:00.000-04:00

People like upgrades, especially when it comes to credit cards. Gold, Platinum, Titanium…it seems the harder the substance, the harder it is to obtain.

I think they are limiting themselves by sticking to different types of metals, they could broaden the range by labeling their cards with anything that is hard to do.

Such as:

A One-Legged Hurdler® Visa Card

Watching Jennifer Lopez’s Gigli® Master Card

Giving Roseanne Barr a PAP Smear® Discovery Card

Giving Ralphie May a PAP Smear® Diner’s Club Card

Staying an Anal Virgin in Prison® Fleet Card

Forgiving Your Father for Abandoning You® Chess King Card

Erasing Your History Trail on Your Internet Browser® Capital One Card

Still Love Your Fiancé Impregnated by Your Boss® Mervyns Card

Darth Vader was the Fallen Angel

2005-05-23T14:01:00.000-04:00

Master Obi-Wan Kenobi was correct when he said Anakin Skywalker was the “chosen one”, prophesized to bring balance to the Force. Unfortunately, he didn’t foresee the devastating results of the divine intervention. There definitely was an imbalance in the Force—too much good and not enough evil.

So when Anakin transformed into Darth Vader to save the mother of his children and went on a rampage and exterminated every single Jedi, he balanced the Force.

The only Jedi to survive were: Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine, Yoda, and Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Two good and two bad. Equal.

The “chosen one” brought balance to the Force, but didn’t bring peace.

Jesus Christ was the “chosen one”, but Christianity drove The Crusades and The Inquisitions.

Word of warning: Prophecies are full of shit.

Why Did Yoda Die So Young?

2005-05-23T13:56:00.000-04:00

Yoda was a creature called a Gherkin with an average life expectancy of 1000 years.

At age 877 years old, he fought a stalemate battle with Emperor Palpatine, the most powerful Sith Lord in the universe.

He exiled himself to the swampy planet of Dagobah and was able avoid detection from Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine because a powerful Dark Jedi named Bpfassi had died there flooding the region with the Dark Side negating his Light Side.

About twenty three years later, Luke Skywalker returns to Dagobah for the last time to complete his Jedi training. Sadly, Master Yoda the Gherkin died there at the age of only 900 years old.

By problem is this—compared to humans with an average life expectancy of 72 years. Twenty three Gherkin years would have been the equivalent of only two human years since his ass-kicking, Jet-li/Bruce Lee battle with the Emperor.

QUESTION:
Why did his health fade so quickly?

ANSWER:
Luke discovered Yoda’s cyberjournal and found out that he had made a few stops before he permanently exiled himself. He had hyperspaced to Tantooine and bought some essentials: fifty gallons of Rotgut, a thousand DeathSticks and ten pounds of finely-cut Kessel spice. He then visited his favorite Wookie prostitute, Beelacca. Unfortunately, Belacca didn’t honor the Republic’s “Right to Know” policy. She had been infected by a Tusken Raider who had a Wookie fetish with a rare disease contracted from having sex with a Bantha. The drugs and booze accelerated the effects of the STD.

George Lucas was contacted by D.O.G.G. (Daughters of Great Gherkins) to cut the scenes showing these last moments out respect for his family.

Vague Job Descriptions

2005-05-18T23:10:00.000-04:00

Some people seem smug when they describe what they do by saying:

“I work with light”
“I work with sound”
“I work with images”
“I work with numbers”

Everyone should be cryptic.

Garbage man :
“I work with matter.”

Short order cook:
“I create energy.”

Stock boy:
“I rearrange molecules.”

Traffic Enforcement Officer
“I’m a douchebag”

Do healthy vampires prey on vegans?

2005-05-17T20:24:00.000-04:00

Hand me a cheeseburger, I want to live

German friend or foe?

2005-05-16T18:50:00.000-04:00

Is this guy calling me a hack?

I hate being late for a flight and have to run with my carry-on luggage with wheels.

2005-05-15T23:40:00.000-04:00

I feel like a fat lady prancing at a dog show.

Not to mention that somehow my wheels are pebble magnets. One wheel will stop causing the other to arc in and then it starts tic-tacking back forth until I'm forced to pick it up and carry it. Then minutes later, I muster up the confidence to try it again. Only to fail twenty yards away.

My hats off to the inventor.

If Luke never found out that Leia was his twin sister, would their child have had "special" abilities?

2005-05-13T10:17:00.000-04:00

If a person who balloons is called a balloonist and a person who bicycles is called a bicyclist…

2005-05-12T19:23:00.000-04:00

…shouldn’t a person who races be called a bigot*.

*I guess that makes sense because most people I know who are NASCAR fans are racists.

Baby Balloons Murdered

2005-05-11T16:26:00.000-04:00

The average lifespan of a Mylar balloon is five to eight days.

Two of my five “Get Well Soon” balloons died the night I got them.

They either commited suicide or they were murdered by the other balloons.

I called NYPD, but they have yet to send any officers by the house.

New York’s Finest, my ass.

I’ve put the two remains in the freezer and made chalk outlines. The other three balloons pleaded The Fifth. Well, they haven’t actually said anything yet. They’re just remaining silent, I’m assuming they’re pleading The Fifth. I’ve isolated them in different rooms, so they can’t collaborate a story together.

If I don’t get any answers soon, I’ll get Abu Ghraib on these little, inflatable bastards.

Is it in bad taste to send balloons to a funeral?

2005-05-11T00:22:00.000-04:00

I'm assuming black ones or perhaps chocolates in a coffin-shaped box.

Disoriented Tourist

2005-05-10T23:26:00.000-04:00

Whenever, I surface from the subways, and confidently head in one direction on an avenue. Inevitably, someone walking beside will notice my keen navigational skill and will ask me,

“Are we going up or down?”

I have two responses*:

“Actually we are going horizontal. Our vertical displacement is zero. What are you stupid?”

Then I glare at the person angrily, shake my head, and storm off.

“I don’t know—I’m agnostic, I guess it depends how you’ve lived your life and what you believe in”.

Then I slowly look up and stare at the sky until it gets awkward.

*Unless she’s really hot, then I cut the corny shenanigans.

Gary Swanson lived a spartan lifestyle.

2005-05-09T00:30:00.000-04:00

Gary was raised in an opharnage and lived in the dorms during college. After graduation, he never owned a car and although he always used public transportation was extremely punctual, and let's not forget that Gary also fought off the Persians at the battle of Thermopylae.

I need to work on my quads, I could leg model for FDR.

2005-05-08T14:30:00.000-04:00

My Personal Hell in Queens

2005-05-08T13:28:00.000-04:00

I've been laid up in bed for the past week trying to recover from my surgery.

Initially, it was great. I have every channel known to man: HBO, Showtime, CineMax, OnDemand, ...you name it. I got it. Since I decided not to watch television from 2001 to 2004, I had a lot of catching up to do.

I had a couple low points though.

You Got Served had to be the worst movie I have ever sat through in my life. Sure, I could had changed the channel but I'm not a quitter. Once, I commit to something, I stick to it. I can't believe Lil' Kim and Steve Harvey didn't receive Oscars for this West Side Story meets Boys N the Hood. Brillance!

Everyone praised Bill Murray in the original premise of Lost in Translation. Unfortunatley, they stole the idea from the 1978 smash hit, The Bad News Bears Go To Japan .

Gotta go, I want to finish Daredevil with Ben Affleck. A true Thespian.

My battery charger is a necromancer.

2005-05-08T13:27:00.000-04:00

Overheard Through My Window in Queens

2005-05-06T14:08:00.000-04:00

I couldn't sleep last night because of the pain, and was elated to finally fall into slumber at the crack of dawn. Only to be awoken by annoying song birds, a woodpecker drilling another useless hole, a squirrel trying scrape his way through my thru-the-wall air conditioning unit, and little fucking boy hitting a concrete wall with a sledge hammer.

Queens Father
That's it, Jimmy! Keep hitting it!

Queens Kid
I'm gettin' tired, Dad.

Queens Father
Quit yer whinen' and keep swingin'

Queens Mother
Come on, Frankie. Give him a break!

Queens Father
Hey, Womens-Lib you want to come out here?

Please free me from my prison.

Midnight Snack

2005-05-05T09:19:00.000-04:00

My girlfriend noticed that I was moaning and asked,
"Do you want some Vicoden and strawberries?"

The answer to this question should always be, "YES!"

I can empathize with Wheelchair Larry Flynt and Fat Elvis.

Thought of the day:

Eating an unwashed strawberry is like blowing a Mexican.

I'm Turning Down Opportunities

2005-05-04T11:08:00.000-04:00

I had to turn down a spot at PSNBC Tuesday because of my situation, and today my manager's assistant called to tell me about an audition tomorrow at 2pm for The Sopranos.

Fuck me

I actually contemplated about loading up my body with Vicoden, hobble down there, and blow the doors off the casting agency.

But I did not

If I would have limped in their, I would have either looked hardcore or desperate.

danism

I've switched to a NEW and IMPROVED blog: www.taoofdan.com

If you murder your identical twin, should you be convicted for homicide or suicide?

Fairy Tale vs Religion

Zoophilia vs. Bestiality

Potatoes are Multi-Faceted

Consumerism has Secularized Christmas

Self Awareness - Part V

People occassionally ask me if my Jewish girlfriend is Ashkenazic or Sephardic.

Overheard at the MTA Picket Line

Check out this gay photo of me and my girlfriend

I'm a horrible Christmas shopper?

Condescending Technical Support is the Best Kind

My Computer Keeps Crashing!

Who do you get when you combine Michael Landon and Wilford Brimley?

If defenestration is the act of throwing someone out of Windows.

Conservatives Destroy Rainforests Because They are Homophobic

The Aztec name for avocado was ahuacatl, meaning "testicle."

SEEKING PREP HOST/COMEDIAN FROM NAOMI JUDD SHOW. - w4m - 32

Self-Awareness Part IV

M*A*S*H is a valid mathematical statement

Adorable Handprint Designed Sheets

Mormons Aren't Allowed to Eat Honey

Christians want to Re-design Government Architecture

Read this old blog entry

If you eat a mermaid, are you considered a cannibal or a sushi lover?

Spanish dictionaries should be called Mexicons.

I Don’t Understand PETA

My girlfriend told me, "It’s men like you that drive women to Bulimia."

Polysexuals

Different Grades of Unleaded Gas at Mobil

I Don’t Understand NASCAR Fans’ Infatuation with Their Drivers

Roche Creates Drug to Combat the Avian Flu

I always spoon with a girl that I make love with...

The Moon Diet

Friendly’s® Happy Ending Sundae

Never Text Someone When You're Angry

Teddy Roosevelt was a Conservationist??

Fun Facts: Sharks are immune to cancer...

"Opossum" defies the Laws of Phoenetics

Jesus Christ was a not a product of a miracle, he was created by parthenogenesis.

New Yorkers are passertive.

Technology has atrophied my ability to memorize.

Keeping Up with The Joneses

MySpace is video crack for egotist with low self esteem.

I'm writing a biography about Kevin Bacon in the sixth person.

10 Rules to Date My Fictitious Daughter

Mothers Don't Understand Technology

Vegans only drink Natural Light.

New Abortion Groups

Nobody Remembers Me

Burger King® Likes Subservient Chickens?

Overheard in a Starbucks on Fifth Avenue

I am an autodidact afflicted with malapropism.

We Have a Love-Hate Relationship with Oxygen

Which band do you listen to on the radio?

You can't tell a book by its cover, but you can tell a movie by its font

My great-grandfather invented the paper clip.

I know a website is legitimate when I see a rotating dollar sign.

Don't worry, Daddy-O...just nine hours and twenty more minutes and everything will be just fine.

Advances in Muppet® Medicine

Verizon Technicians Always Start Off with the Same Question Everytime

Ode to a Hombre Flaco y Blanquito

Do Mexican misogynist refuse to acknowledge feminine words?

I have to give my socks insulin...so sad.

CNN's Lou Dobbs has a Black Tooth

I refuse to drink tap water, unless its disguised in a water fountain.

Do cucumber farmers eventually become gay?

Condoleezza Rice flosses with socks.

I’m sick of Googling myself

I'm famous because I can't spell

Self-Awareness Part III

Olive Garden Girl from Kansas - m4w - 27

I Wish I was Puerto Rican Because I Love to Go Camping

Overheard at Laundromat in Queens

I Have Sensitive Teeth

Universities are Unsensitive to Sensitive Students

If Luke never found out that Leia was his twin sister, would their child have had "special" abilities?

Do Trojans Defend?

Ben & Jerry’s™ Chunky Monkey©: Good or Evil?

MAS*H is a valid mathematical statement