danism

I've switched to a NEW and IMPROVED blog: www.taoofdan.com

2006-01-01T19:47:00.000-05:00

Check it out here.

If you have me linked please change it to:

http://taoofdan.com

If you murder your identical twin, should you be convicted for homicide or suicide?

2006-01-01T19:42:00.000-05:00

On that same token, if you have sex with your identical twin, would that be considered incest or mastubation.

Fairy Tale vs Religion

2005-12-30T21:17:00.000-05:00

I don't know what's harder to believe.

The existence of Santa Claus or that Jesus's heart pumps Welch's Grape Juice through his body.

Zoophilia vs. Bestiality

2005-12-30T12:02:00.000-05:00

DEFENSE LAWYER
Your honor, my client Mr. Martindale is being charged by the State of Kansas on the charges of bestiality. He is hurt and offended by these slanderous allegations.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Give me a break, your honor! He fucked a pig at a petting zoo!

JUDGE
Order! Order in the court! If the D.A. continues to use that sort of language in my court, he will be held in contempt of court. Now sit down and let the Defense proceed.

DEFENSE LAWYER
Thank you, your honor. I would like to read two definitions from the Oxford English Dictionary to the court.

JUDGE
Proceed.

DEFENSE LAWYER
The first word is: bes·ti·al·it·y (n) - The crime of engaging in sexual relations with an animal. The second word is: zo·o·phil·i·a (n) - Attraction to or affinity for an animal. Unfortunately, society has demonized the word "zoophilia" and have made it synonomous with "bestiality". Zoophiles are simply animal lovers. Is that a crime? If homosexuals are allowed to marry, shouldn't zoosexuals be allowed to love? They are not merely driven by carnal desires. They...

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Your honor, how can you just sit there and listen to this bullshit! The defendant is a sick, perverted individual and needs to be behind bars!

JUDGE
Let this be my final warning to the Prosecutor. Baliff, if the D.A. has another outbreak, please remove him from this court. The Defense Attorney may finish.

DEFENSE LAWYER
Thank you, your honor. Members of the jury, how can we convict an animal lover for loving an animal. Capt. Kangaroo loved children. Was he a pedophile? How about Bozo the Clown...Mr. Rogers...Mr. Wizard...Steve from Blue's Clues...hell, the entire cast from Sesame Street? Let's ignite an inquisition of all the people who have ever loved children. I thought McCarthyism died in the 50s, but I guess I was wrong. The D.A. callously and maliciously stated that Mr.Martindale "fucked a pig". I disagree. If Mr. Martindale did in fact have sexual relations with Sally, he would have never "fucked" her. Mr. Martindale would have "made love" to her. Sally just happens to be a pig. What he did was only a crime of the heart not the law. The defense rest, you honor.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
This is horseshit! Your honor...

JUDGE
Baliff, remove the D.A.! I find the defendant, not guilty.Case dismissed.

Potatoes are Multi-Faceted

2005-12-27T13:12:00.000-05:00

This "morning" , I ordered my usual breakfast at Hebrew National Deli. Two eggs sunny-side up, home-fried potatoes, whole wheat toast, and a small coffee.

I say "morning" because it was around 11:30AM which technically is before noon but it shouldn't be considered morning.

When my meal appeared, I was appalled at what I saw.

It was 75% correct.

No home-fried potatoes were available, so they had substituted french fries instead without informing me.

Are they out of their fucking mind?

Who eats french fries with their eggs?!

I only eat cube-shaped potatoes for breakfast,

elongated rectangular prism-shaped potatoes at lunch,

and ellipsoidal-shaped potatoes at dinner.

Cylindrical-shaped potatoes are special because they can be served at lunch OR dinner.

Idiots!

Its extremely important to know what geometric shape you are allowed to eat depending on the position of the Sun.

Consumerism has Secularized Christmas

2005-12-25T16:07:00.000-05:00

I am a nerd.

I have contacted the U.S. Census and Department of Forestry and have calculated the number of Christmas trees slain since 1830 here in the United States.

After hours of geekish research, I have estimated 2.4 billion Christmas trees have been wiped out.

With the average tree density of a normal forest, that equates to 75,000 square miles (roughly the size of the entire state of South Dakota).

If you assume the mean height is 6 ft. and were to stack the trees end to end, they would go around the Earth 118 times or create 15 columns extending to the Moon
(approximately 186, 000 miles away).

I then asked myself, “Who lives in the forest?”
I know that Winnie the Pooh lives in “The Hundred Acres Forest”. So feasibly, one could deduce that every hundred acres produces one Pooh bear. Since seventy-five thousand square miles have been destroyed, the blood of a half a million Pooh bears rest on the shoulders of the paganistic ritual of Christians.

A Poohicide.

Jesus was a Jew, but he also was an anti-Poohite.

Merry Christmas!

Self Awareness - Part V

2005-12-24T15:29:00.000-05:00

They say, "Dancing is a very vertical expression of a horizontal desire."

That's unfortunate because I don't dance.

I think I'm a eunich.

People occassionally ask me if my Jewish girlfriend is Ashkenazic or Sephardic.

2005-12-23T11:19:00.000-05:00

Fortunately, she's Sephardic because I have trouble pronouncing Ashkenazic.

Someone told me the easiest way to remember how to pronounce is by saying, 'Ask-a-Nazi'

Then I remembered the guy who told me that was Todd Hitler.

Fuck that guy! I'd rather mispronounce it.

Overheard at the MTA Picket Line

2005-12-22T20:11:00.000-05:00

Booth Agent
They going to reduce our benefits.

Train Operator
They better not! I don't want nobody to touch my mutha fuckin' 501k plan!

What the hell is a "501k" plan?

I guess that's when you invest in 1000 pairs of Levi 501 jeans in flea markets in the south and then resell them to vintage stores in the East Village for a profit. I can't believe NYC is losing $400 million dollars a day because these assholes want to corner the market on denim.

Check out this gay photo of me and my girlfriend

2005-12-19T17:21:00.000-05:00

Check out this article in the Village Voice written by Rachel Kramer Bussel discussing sex at your parent's house during the holidays.

Click here

My friend and comedian Anthony DeVito disagrees about the photo being "gay". He feels we look like a pair of psychics.

I'm a horrible Christmas shopper?

2005-12-12T12:26:00.000-05:00

I'm as indecisive as a bisexual Jew-For-Jesus who smokes American Spirits™.

The words healthy and cigarettes can not be in the same sentence.

Condescending Technical Support is the Best Kind

2005-12-06T14:50:00.000-05:00

I was updating my computer and at one point I needed to input my ‘IP Address’. I happened to be talking to my buddy who is a computer guru and asked him where I would find this information.

He caustically responded, “You don’t know your IP Address?”

What the fuck?

You should only know your IP Address if you are autistic or an uber-geek who gets wet dreams in Dreamweaver.

My Computer Keeps Crashing!

2005-12-06T14:18:00.000-05:00

I’m trying to install a new program (Movable Type) onto my computer, but in order to do so I also had to download four other applications (Apache, MySQL, Perl, PHP), unzip them, install them, and make sure they were communicating with each other properly.

Fuck me!

It’s the equivalent of randomly selecting a mate from Australia, a gentleman from England, a metrosexual from NYC and a hillybilly from West Virginia and forcing them to live harmoniously together. It’s a digital episode of Real World. The Metrosexual is sick and tired of picking up after the hillbilly and the only one who empties the Recycling Bin. The pretentious Englishmen refuses to acknowledge anyone. The Australian is in a drunken rage and keeps picking fights with everyone. Tensions have risen. No can understand each other. This glass house made of Windows is about to shatter.

Who do you get when you combine Michael Landon and Wilford Brimley?

2005-11-28T16:55:00.000-05:00

Don Imus

If defenestration is the act of throwing someone out of Windows.

2005-11-25T12:49:00.000-05:00

The depomumation is the act of throwing someone out of Apple.

Conservatives Destroy Rainforests Because They are Homophobic

2005-11-24T23:58:00.000-05:00

Biologists have discovered that male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality in all mammals.

Dr. Frank Riden has theorized that by sleeping upside-down, these flying rodents are over-dosing their brain with oxygenated blood.

He has concluded that too much O₂ leads to homosexuality.

Dr. Riden has tested his OLH Theory with human scuba divers and found divers using pure O₂ rather than trimix tanks had gayer tendencies. This makes sense because the U.S. Census reported that coastal cities which have higher percentage of scuba divers have the highest population of same-sex cohabitating couples.

Photosynthesis is a process that fuels plants by converting carbon dioxide, water and light into energy and releasing O₂ as a byproduct.

According to Dr. Riden, the tropical rainforest is not only sustaining our ecosystem but also our fashion and entertainment industry as well.

Currently, he's working on a connection with the over abundant appearences of "rainbows" in these over-oxygenated areas.

The Aztec name for avocado was ahuacatl, meaning "testicle."

2005-11-23T19:58:00.000-05:00

The Aztecs considered it a sex stimulant.

Vegans love it for its Omega-3 fatty acids.

Now everytime I'm with a girl that orders an extra order of guacamole, I think, 'Great. A health-slut.'

SEEKING PREP HOST/COMEDIAN FROM NAOMI JUDD SHOW. - w4m - 32

2005-11-22T19:41:00.000-05:00

Reply to: pers-111897821@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-11-17, 11:14AM EST

this may sound crazy but why not. you were 25 and telling jokes to prep the audience for the Naomi Judd show while we were waiting. Anyhow it was about a week or two ago on a friday. I was sitting in the corner with my mother who was coughing. I am a white, 32, and figured maybe if you read this would you want to go out on a date. You had a sense of humor which isn't a very common thing for white guys in New York and you seemed nice. Actually most white guys in New York have a sense of humor only when they are whacked out on drugs and stuff.
this is in or around you were joking about still being in high school but your 25
no

-- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
111897821

Self-Awareness Part IV

2005-11-19T17:33:00.000-05:00

I’m extremely volatile and have low-self esteem.

A geologist once described me as a bulimic volcano.

MAS*H is a valid mathematical statement

2005-11-16T19:10:00.000-05:00

****WARNING MATH IS NOT SEXY*******

M
mass (m)

A
acceleration (a)

S
displacement/distance (s)

H
height (h)

If Newton’s Second Law states: Force equals mass times acceleration (F=ma),

then
m × a = Force

Displacement and height are lengths. If you multiply two lengths together, you would create a surface area.

s × h = Surface Area

So,

(m × a)(s × h) = Force × Surface area

Force × Surface Area = Pressure

pres·sure
n.
Force applied uniformly over a surface, measured as force per unit of area.

mash
n.
A crushing or grinding

Tasmanian devils have 300 pounds per square inch of bite.

I must remind readers that I was a virgin until I was 21

Adorable Handprint Designed Sheets

2005-11-15T14:30:00.000-05:00

My niece Madison just turned 3 years old.

This is a big step for toddlers on the long road to maturity.

Everyone is familiar with the final rites of passage to adulthood: discovery of masturbation, a driver’s license, the right to vote, alcohol, loss of virginity (usually in that sequential order), wisdom teeth extraction, lower car insurance, buying furniture that isn’t from IKEA®, and finally throwing away that $20 dorm-style upright halogen light.

However, no one remembers the monumental jump from infant to toddler.

For nine months, you are trapped in your mother’s cocoon. Once pardoned from the solitary confinement of her womb, you then have to endure a 35 month sentence in a caged-environment known as a crib.

Millions of innocent 2 ½ year olds around the world stare listlessly through the bars of their cell.

They have to wait until they’re 3 years olds to be exonerated from their cradles and be allowed to sleep in their own beds.

Well, little Maddie turned 3 and got a twin size bed and new sheets.

The sheets were adorably decorated with a design called KIDPRINTs® which could be described as: a white sheet with a disorganized array of polychromatic, painted handprints of various small children—or Jackson Pollack’s kindergarten project.

She loved them and played patty-cake with the handprints.

Since the sheets were new they were a little itchy. I suggested that we wash them with some Snuggle® fabric softener.

But when I grabbed the sheets in my arms, my pseudo-Spidey-Senses went off. I have a very keen ability of detecting evil. Its aura glowed red in my mind’s eye.

EVIL!

I threw it to the ground as a vampire would a clove of garlic or a vile of holy water. The sheets existence repulsed me. I reviled the very fabric that Madison revered.

My cousin didn’t understand why a freaked out and calmly asked, “Uh…why did you throw it on the ground?”

“Because, it’s Eeeev-all!” I said.

“What the fuck are you talking about? Pick it up!” he yelled.

“I can’t,” I replied.

My cousin screamed, “You are out of your fucking mind!”

As a looked at the crumpled mass of linen, I kept envisioning the factory where it was made. I saw a long conveyer belt with thousands of blank white sheets—empty canvases waiting to be painted. Then I could see the factory workers, a handful of poor, little Malaysian kids standing in front of buckets of paint. Their shift started and the foreman began to bark out, “Faster…faster!”

Then I heard one of the small workers grumble underneath his breath, “Stupid capitalistic pigs, I've never even take a shower before!”

I looked at the sheets again and saw some of the handprints were missing fingers and one little guy actually was able to scrawl out, ‘H-e-l-p-m-e.’

Against my cousin’s wishes, I ran outside with the sheets and burned them.

Just because Nike, Martha Stewart and Kathy Lee condones child slavery that doesn’t make it right.

Mormons Aren't Allowed to Eat Honey

2005-11-11T14:07:00.000-05:00

Mormons and bees both practice polygamy.

However, Mormons live in male-centric, polygynous communities and bees live in female-centric, polyandric colonies.

Joseph Smith, The Mormon Prophet, wanted to hide this biological fact from their women-folk: Animals could successfully survive with this gender arrangement.

So he took the liberty and carefully amended the Book of Revelations in the Book of Mormons.

He 'found and replaced' the word, locusts with the word bees and refered to Satan as the Queen Bee. The word honey was replaced by Satan's slime or Lucifer's blood.

I guess he was a genius, because his prophecy of killer bees has come true.

FUN FACT:
Winnie the Pooh is not a Mormon. He's a Pooh.

I think A.A. Milne was an anti-Semite.
"Poohs love honey," sounds a lot like "Jews love money."

Christians want to Re-design Government Architecture

2005-11-08T14:29:00.000-05:00

Having the theory of intelligent design(ID) implemented beside Darwin’s Theory of Evolution into the Kansas school curriculum was a huge victory for Christian Fundamentalists. Not wanting to lose their momentum, they have begun campaigning against the Pentagon.

This fiery, five-sided, paganistic polygon has been the official symbol for Satan since the birth of mankind. If they succeed,future Department of Divine Defense officials will make their decisions in a new, twelve-sided building called the Dodecagon in shape of a cross.

"Tuez-les tous; Dieu reconnaitra les siens."
-Arnaud-Amaury, Abbot of Citeaux,during the Fourth Crusade, outside the fortified city of Beziers in July,1209

Which translates to,"Kill them all; for the Lord knoweth them that are His."

or

"Kill'em all, let God sort 'em out!" in Marine talk

Read this old blog entry

2005-11-06T09:39:00.000-05:00

Someone left an anonymous comment about my thoughts on society's demonization of the word, "Mexican".

I guess he thinks I'm a narrow-minded asshole.

Please read my entry and his comments and you decide for yourselves.

Click here
Mexican

If you eat a mermaid, are you considered a cannibal or a sushi lover?

2005-11-04T09:16:00.000-05:00