dan allen | comedian, poet, and scientific philosopher |

December 28, 2004

Ten Reasons Why I was a Virgin Until I was Twenty-One

I can tell you how many carbon atoms are in a buckminsterfullerene¹

I know where to find mynocks² and what they need to sustain life

I was a bus boy at The Magic Time Machine dressed as the Jolly Green Giant®

My hair style was a jazzy mullet³.

I was a clown for a year in high school, and thought girls loved jugglers

I felt and still feel extremely comfortable with these terms: dopplegänger, infravision, bag of holding, lycanthropes, roll for initiative, 18/00 Strength, etc…

I scribed a personalized poem for every girl I was smitten by

My quadriceps’ girth have never exceeded 15”

I could not dance, and have been recently diagnosed with dysrythmia

I thought math was sexy

¹ 60 carbon atoms
² Hyperspace; Stellar radiation
³Imagine Flock of Seagulls, but somehow even more gay

3 Comments:

Dan...that is a sad sad list :) I am not sure if I can look at you in the same way ever again. I'm glad you told me to read it though :)

Liz

By Anonymous, at 12/29/2004 01:03:00 AM
You wrote poems? That's kind of adorable, though, I, um, maybe, um, except for the Magic Time Machine thing.

- Kyria

By Anonymous, at 12/29/2004 11:38:00 PM
How many people do you think got the Nethack references?

By Anonymous, at 8/24/2005 11:55:00 AM

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dan·ism - (n)

a principal philosophy and system of religion of Astoria, Queens based upon the teachings of a guy named Danocrates Allenopolos in the 21st century.

Never eat cotton candy in the rain.

My battery charger is a necromancer.

Do healthy vampires prey on vegans?

An annoying German designer is called a deutschbag.

Spanish dictionaries should be called Mexicons.

I'm writing a biography about Kevin Bacon in the sixth person.

Photographic memory is an outdated technology.

How did they describe a person who had a photographic memory prior to 1827?

I refuse to drink tap water, unless it’s disguised in a water fountain or as an ice cube.

If you eat a mermaid, are you considered a cannibal or a sushi lover?

Do cucumber farmers eventually become gay?

I thought I was intelligent, but I have to spell-check Einstein's name.

If pediatricians are doctors who treat children and pedophiles are adults who are attracted to children then pedestrians are people who ride children.

Are balloons appropriate at a funeral? I guess you send black ones or chocolates in a coffin-shaped box.

I need to work on my quads, my agent called me and said they needed a leg model for a film about FDR.

Eating an unwashed strawberry is like blowing a Mexican.

Autodidacts become hyperpolysyllabicsesquipedalianist because they are intellectually insecure.